399718奇闻趣事网Diehard 【奇闻趣事网】399718.com06.26 , 15:49
发霉啦：今天，我去参加第一次约会
Joe Smooth
今天，我去参加第一次约会。一切都进展的很顺利，直到我打算学电影里那样，伸手想把她的头发别到耳后。我的手指直接戳她眼里了。FMLToday, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date’s hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML
退出条款
今天，已经谈了4年的迷信女友在我求婚的时候打了个喷嚏。她非说这是宇宙给的暗示，要我们俩分手，然后她转身就离开了。FMLToday, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML
哇偶，太谢谢了，我瞬间就被治好了
今天，在经历了8个月噩梦般的失眠后，我终于挂到了一名睡眠专家的号。他的建议？“百度一下，下载这个免费app，5个月后要是加重的话再联系我。”我从2022年开始就没有一觉能睡过4小时以上。要是还能再活5个月我就烧高香了。FMLToday, after 8 months of horrific insomnia, I finally got an appointment with a sleep specialist. His advice? “Google it, download this free app, and call me in 5 months if it gets worse.” I haven’t slept more than 4 hours uninterrupted since 2022. I’ll be lucky to be alive in 5 months. FML
爱咋咋地吧
今天，我跟男朋友说给他拿点药，估计能治他的花粉过敏和其他症状，不要钱，还没副作用。我还教他了个小妙招，能让他的房子不再有花粉。这两样他都拒绝了，然后继续抱怨花粉过敏的事儿。FMLToday, I offered my boyfriend medicine which is quite likely to help with his pollen allergy and other health problems, free of charge, and without side effects. I also pointed out an easy fix to keep the pollen out of his apartment. He said, “No thanks” to both, and just kept on 奇闻异事plaining. FML
心动
今天，我觉得自己有点爱上小姑子我的妯娌了。声明一下，我是女的，她谈了5年的男朋友是我未婚夫的弟弟。FMLToday, I realized that I kinda have a crush on my sister-in-law. Mind you I’m a woman and her boyfriend of 5 years is my fiancé’s brother. FML
天才
今天，我火急火燎的把儿子送去急诊室，这熊孩子吃了棵有毒的植物。他说那玩意儿看起来就像是《老滚5：天际》里的一种，他以为吃完就能获得超能力。FMLToday, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he’d get super powers from eating it. FML
半人沙发
今天，我的孩子觉得要是在我睡觉的时候，用万能胶把我黏在单人沙发上一定很有意思，但是倒的也太多了。我现在和靠垫已经合二为一了，还得叫救护车来帮忙。FMLToday, one of my kids thought it would be funny to superglue me to my armchair while I was asleep, except they’re idiots who used way too much. I am now fused to the cushions and had to call an ambulance. FML
老生常谈
今天，谈了5年恋爱，我连订婚戒指的影子都没见着，我就问男朋友为什么还不求婚。他回答说：“宝贝儿，能喝免费的牛奶我干嘛还花钱买牛啊。”这特么是什么意思？FMLToday, after 5 years of dating and not even so much as a hint of a ring on the horizon, I asked my boyfriend why he hasn’t proposed yet. His response was “Babe, I’m not gonna pay for the cow when I get the milk for free.” What does that even mean? FML
它们要杀了我们！
今天，我妈非常确信，我们从沃尔玛买回来的草坪矮人在密谋要杀了我们。FMLToday, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
经典举动
今天，我去相亲。我刚到地方，他就说要先去上个厕所。然后再也没有回来。FMLToday, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML
报复
今天，卑鄙无耻的邻居跟我媳妇打小报告，说我在她跟墓地值夜班的时候，偷偷把小三带回家过夜。就因为我忘把割草机还给他了。FMLToday, my assmunch neighbor snitched on me and told my wife I was bringing my girlfriend home to sleep over while she worked her job during the graveyard shift. All because I’d forgotten to return his lawnmower. FML
真6
今天，我终于鼓足勇气去跟暗恋的男人搭话。我紧张到舌头打结，本想说：“嗨！我叫Veronica。”结果说成了：“Veronica，我嗨了！”FMLToday, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, “Hi, I’m Veronica,” I said, “Veronica, I’m high.” FML
不合时宜
今天，一个女的在饭店里撩开衣服就给孩子喂奶。恶心得我吃不下饭，我就告诉她应该抱孩子去卫生间里喂。听完后她呲了我一脸奶，然后又继续奶孩子了。FMLToday, a woman started breastfeeding her infant in a restaurant. Disgusted, I told her to take it to the bathroom, as I was eating. In response, she squirted me with milk then went back to ignoring me. FML
自己挖的坑
今天，我跟一朋友说，他戴眼镜时看起来更聪明。他摘掉了眼镜，然后对我说：“噢，现在你看起来帅多了。”FMLToday, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said, “Oh, and now you look more handsome.” FML
感官ASMR
今天，我被老公的耳语唤醒了，他轻声说：“我能在你的乳脂软糖烤箱里烤一下我的肉棒吗？”。FMLToday, my husband woke me up by whispering, “Can I roast my meat rod in your fudge oven?” FML
上天的施舍
今天，我跟室友太穷了，我俩经常去参加匿名毒瘾者互助会的会议，只为了那口免费的茶点。FMLToday, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML
快枪手
今天，我去男朋友家。我俩住邻居，所以走过去也就2分钟的事儿。到了他想立刻马上来一发。我走路过来花的时间都要比他久上1分钟。FMLToday, I walked to my boyfriend’s house, which takes literally 2 minutes since we are also neighbours. He wanted sex straight away. The walk took longer than the sex, by over a full minute. FML
灵魂伴侣
今天，我不是很信什么灵魂伴侣，但我发现我老婆很信。她在几个礼拜前遇见了她的。FMLToday, even though I don’t necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML
呵，人类
今天，跟男朋友开车回家的路上，我俩开始聊自己的驾驶记录有多干净。我吹嘘自己从来都没有出过事故，话音未落就撞上了一头驼鹿。FMLToday, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I’d never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML
绝逼没可能
今天，唯一一个对我表现出些许兴趣的男人是个迷纳粹的神经病。他通常喜欢用这样的句子跟我搭讪：“嘿，你知道用订书机订手有多疼吗？”FMLToday, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, “Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?” FML
刻薄的地方
今天，一个学生骂我是“臭婊子”。我教的是幼儿园。FMLToday, I got called a “f***ing b**ch” by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML
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