399718奇闻趣事网Diehard 【奇闻趣事网】399718.com11.20 , 13:38
没品笑话集：在我小时候，曾经有名警官来我们学校做演讲
在我小时候，曾经有名警官来我们学校做有关毒品的演讲。
他讲的什么我是一个字都听不懂。When I was a child a police officer came to school and gave a speech on drugs.
I couldn’t understand a damn thing he said. —sage
老婆老说我对孩子太软了。
拍谢了吼。我已经44岁了，怎么可能跟年轻时那样一直那么硬。The wife keeps saying I’m too soft on the kids
Well I’m sorry, I’m 44 and just can’t maintain an erection like I used to —lennyscrevasse
地球上每天会降下9亿吨水。
8.9亿吨都下在了苏格兰。900,000,000 tonnes of water fall on the Earth every second.
890,000,000 falling on Scotland. —chum
我让我男人在爱爱的时候抽我巴掌。
这样或许我就不会睡着了。I asked my old man to slap me when we have sex,
it might help stop me from falling asleep.–cheryll25uk
“亲爱的你知道吗？我们人类和猪的DNA有98%是相同的！”
“别解释了，戴夫。跟孩子们告个别，拿着你的行李滚蛋吧。”
?Apparently we share 98% of our DNA with pigs, darling?
?Not good enough, Dave. Say goodbye to the kids, pack your bags and fuck off? –lennyscrevasse
我揍了我的老婆，因为这晚餐做的也太难吃了。
事后我想了一下，或许我应该让服务员把餐厅经理叫过来才对。I slapped and punched my wife because my dinner was shit.
On reflection, I should’ve probably just asked the waiter to call the manager.–stallion
我跟老婆一个礼拜几乎每天都做。
周一几乎做了
周二几乎做了
周三几乎做了
……
Me and the wife have sex almost every day of the week.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
…–gooner
我深深地觉得，我和我的戴森吸尘器已经无法分离。
那是一个缝隙吸嘴，今天晚些时候在急诊室里被取了出来。I sense that deep within me I have an attachment to my Dyson vacuum cleaner.
It’s a crevice nozzle, and it’s being removed later today at A&E.–mrsbrownsboysishit
“你妈已经和咱们住了20年了，”我跟老公说，“是时候让她出去自己住了吧？”
“我妈？”他说，“我还以为内是你妈呢。”
Your mother has been with us for 20 years, I said to my husband.
Isn?t it time she got a place of her own?
My mother? He replied . I thought she was your mother.–cheryll25uk
突发新闻–6名恐怖嫌疑人坐小船偷渡到英国，政府展开大规模搜捕行动。
行行好！放过他们吧。他们只是想和已经在英国的6万同胞团聚罢了。
Breaking News:-
“Huge manhunt under way after six terror suspects sneak into UK on small boats”
C’mon! Give ’em a break. They just want to meet up with the other 60,000 already here. — ironass
老师：谁来说一个以“anal”结尾的单词？
学生：老师，三氯甲烷？
Teacher: Think of a word that ends with “anal”?
Pupil: Chloroform, Miss? — lennyscrevasse
为促成人质交换，以方同意停战。
以方可以换回200名犹太人，而英国方面可以换回200万巴勒斯坦人。
Israel has agreed a ceasefire in order for a hostage exchange to be made.
Israel gets 200 Jews, Britain gets 2 million Palestinians. — jackmeough
我家狗刚把我新买给孩子的玩具熊扯坏了。
这玩具现在缺胳膊少腿的，还垂着头。
我不得不跟儿子说，这熊是加沙限定款。
My dog just ripped my kid’s new Pudsey Bear apart.
Now it’s got one arm , a leg , and a head hanging off.
I’ll have to tell him it’s the special Gaza edition.– funboy3
我不害怕孤身一人呆在黑暗的房间里。
我害怕身处黑暗的房间里时不是孤身一人。
I’m not scared of being in a dark room alone…
I’m scared of not being alone in a dark room. — ericdidage
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